Why am I sad.
Why do I get sad in the middle of the night when nothing wrong happened today.
Why am I sad when I have a perfectly good person caring for me.
Is it sometimes just not enough?
Is my brain stuck in the past, stuck in my past wants and desires?
Why do I feel so undeserving of his love?
Why do I feel so disconnected from the world.
I wish I had an answer.
I feel like people around me are happy, maybe not very happy as if they were on Xanax,
but happy enough.
Happy enough not to feel incompetent, like a fraud in my own future profession,
happy enough not to question how they got into school and seeing it as some fake achievement, yet again undeserving.
I don’t feel intelligent.
And I don’t know how someone could love this.
Someone so unhappy with life,
so brought down and depressed about not achieving my dreams,
so upset that I can’t voice it.
So discouraged by my appearance.
I’ll go to the gym, eat healthy, lose a bit of weight if I’ve been trying super hard,
only to end up seeing someone thinner, without rolls, happier without saggy skin and stretchmarks. And that’s when I’ll start ramping up the self hate, the self-loathing, the constant stream of discouraging thoughts.
I have a long way to go. But I don’t know where I’m going.
And if someone were to ask me what was wrong I wouldn’t know where to start or what to say. I’m just unhappy. Maybe I was born this way.
Maybe my mother’s sense of constant stress created a baseline of emotion of being constantly stressed and unhappy. I’m not sure. But all I am sure of is I want it to stop. I want this to be over with. I need this to end.