I find myself clenching my teeth in my sleep,
flexing my back in anticipation,
all muscle tight in my neck,
no part of me relaxed,
my every nerve on edge.

I anticipate the pain I’m going to cause,
too afraid to cause,
to you.

I anticipate the loneliness,
the close friend who got behind my walls,
I’ll lose.

I anticipate the late nights,
the ever quiet days
and nights
I’ll lay awake.

I anticipate a decrease in faith,
a lack of trust
as my walls grow ever higher
a place for me to
forever hide behind.

Why does holding on to the one thing I love
hurt so much?