I lay awake at night thinking about what we are now. I don’t know how to define it. The word “couple” feels empty as my emotion is gone. Sucked out of me dry.
I think of the times we first met, my first thoughts were “oh boy, he has a cute smile” and “he waddles in a kind of endearing way when he walks” but primarily that you were a gentleman. After those few bad dates I had been on I thought this seemed promising so I was determined to make it work. And I think that’s where you can say our relationship went wrong.
I smiled as we went on future dates and I spoke about my day and you eyes were glued to the TV at the restaurant. Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t watch TV. But that is all you did, you ate, and stared up and I didn’t say a word. I tried to ask you about the game that was on to make conversation. I tried. That’s were I still went wrong.
You lied to me about your past, about the fact that you smoke. About school. You lied to me because you wanted to impress me because as you say, I was the first real “nice” girl you met who could keep up conversations. And I didn’t want to scare you away although I felt betrayed. I wanted to be understanding, kind, and get you to open up more so I let it go. I let it go, and let go of pieces I once valued.
I used to want a man who I could keep up intellectual conversations with, who had a passion about work or school, who was driven,had my sense of humour, family oriented, and affectionate just enough to remind me that I was more than your friend but rather your partner. I let those thoughts fly away brushing them away as if I was being unreasonable and had too high expectations. Instead I was left with you. The kind and caring you who lacked everything else I needed.
Now I have always been a committed person, and even when things aren’t going the way I want them to I work hard to make things work. I do this in all aspects of my life. So I committed to us, and had hope and faith in us that it would get better. Every now and then when the hope began to die, you would do something small which would spark the fire of hope in my heart once more. But then you would allow it to fall back again, lower and lower, until it needed to be rekindled.
You have let this fire die such that I no longer have emotions for you. I feel empty like I have given it all I have got and you keep coming back for more demanding the shell of me to love you. I don’t know what else I have to give. I stand here a changed person, and look back at you and see you are still the same person. You stayed true to who you were while I morphed to adjust to your every move. All I wanted was to feel loved. To feel cherished. To feel special. To feel beautiful.
All I wanted to do was show someone how good a person I could be. How self-less, devoted, kind, and committed to someone I could be. How flexible and supporting I could be. And I did that. I showed you. I made you fall for me. And you keep coming back for the care. But it was given for a small price in the past, and now you expect it for free.